For the past few weeks I’ve been posting my Ten Tips on how to create a terrific appraisal system. Now that the first five are up, I’m going to take a break for a week and share a question that recently popped up in my Inbox:
Mr. Grote,
I am writing to you to ask for your opinion on how to handle a situation with a few of my employees. I have read one of your books. I enjoyed the book and learned a lot from it. Hopefully you can help me here.
I am the administrator of an assisted living facility in [city and state]. We are an upscale community, and my residents demand quality. I will now cut to the chase. My Kitchen Manager, Mary, does a superb job. She is a perfectionist in the kitchen. The kitchen is her domain, and she runs a very tight ship. I admire that, and that’s why she is so good at what she does.
The problem is that she is definitely not a people person, especially with co-workers. She does fine with our residents, but with members of my staff (nurses, maintenance, her own kitchen staff) she comes across as always being in a bad mood. Of course, other employees take this personal and assume that she is mad at them or that she doesn’t like them. Mary does not talk much, and never takes part in “small talk”, that’s just not her style. When she’s at work, she works, there’s no time for chit chat. If a nurse or another co-worker does something that Mary doesn’t agree with, instead of telling the person, she simply corrects it and doesn’t say a word. The other day, a nurse employee found a comb on the floor in the dining room and put the come in the kitchen on the counter. Obviously, the comb should not have been put on a counter where food is served. Instead of telling the nurse that that is not sanitary, Mary picked up the comb, and threw it back onto the dining room floor. The nurse took exception to that, and came to my office to complain. My big dilemma is that I can’t afford to lose Mary, she is so good at what she does, I need her here. Food is a huge factor in my resident’s happiness. So, when I have to talk to her about her behavior, and I have several times, I feel like am walking on egg shells so as not to make her angry. I think that the fact that I tip toe around what I really want to say, Mary hasn’t got the true picture and therefore her behavior hasn’t change to the level I want it to.
I admit Mary is not always the easiest person to get along with, but she really means no harm with her behaviors, that’s just the way she is. However, my other employees are getting tired of hearing that from me. They just want to feel a little respect from Mary, and they do deserve that. I have the kind of personality that just lets things go, I know how to deal with Mary, when she is curt with me, I give her some smart ass comment with a smile, and move on. The rest of my staff, however, takes it personal and cannot understand why Mary hates them. Obviously, Mary’s personality causes morale problems with the rest of the staff. I need to put an end to this once and for all, but I can’t lose Mary.
What do I do?!!!!
George
Here was my response:
Greetings, George!
What a challenging dilemma you’ve posed.
Let’s agree that you can’t afford to lose Mary because of her technical skills (although you should have a backup plan for replacing her if she gets hit by a bus or abruptly leaves for some other reason.) But let’s also agree that you can’t have her poisoning relationships with other staff who are likely as a result to leave the facility to get away from her.
Here’s my suggestion. I’d schedule a formal and private meeting with Mary. This situation is too serious now for an informal chat, and these informal transactions in the past haven’t had the needed effect. Do it in your office and sit behind your desk — you want to increase your power perception.
Mary will come into your office, probably with both a bit of a chip on her shoulder and some apprehension. You start the meeting by saying, “Mary, I wanted to talk with you for two reasons. The first is to say thank you. I know I don’t say it enough, but I want to thank you for the terrific job you do in the kitchen.” Be prepared to give some very specific examples of her culinary skills and the special dishes she’s made, etc. Starting by saying “Thank you” will certainly disarm her. Don’t hesitate to let this half of the conversation, focused exclusively on the positives, go on for a while.
Then move to the second part of the discussion. Say, “Mary, while your kitchen and culinary skills are outstanding, I have a problem and I need your help.” [The statement, “I have a problem and I need your help” is magic — memorize it.]
Say, “My problem is this: While your technical skills are outstanding, the way you interact with your co-workers is creating problems in providing the service that our residents are expecting and paying for. For example . . .”
Then go over 4 or 5 of your most telling examples of her behavior that concern you. Expect defensiveness — it’s normal, and that’s OK. You are simply detailing the concerns you have with her behavior which impact adversely on your [the facility’s] ability to give residents what they are paying for.
Before the conversation, in addition to writing down four or five examples (and actually writing down the examples and having them in front of you is powerful — it communicates the fact that you consider the situation sufficiently serious to have taken the time to write down your concerns), also write down a list of the impact of Mary’s behavior on you, on the residents, on other staff members, on suppliers and vendors, etc. Make a list of the good business reasons why her behavior must change.
Then explain the specific change in her behavior that you want. (Be prepared in advance to tell her the exact and specific change or changes you expect.)
If she has a job description, get it out and show her that among all her other duties, her job description provides that she is required to be “courteous, cooperative and helpful” at all times and in every situation. If her job description doesn’t have that statement, rewrite it so it does. Being courteous, cooperative and helpful is a condition of employment in any job.
Admit to her that this conversation is awkward for you and it probably is for her. Tell her how much you appreciate her technical abilities, but tell her directly that her behavior with other people is unacceptable. (“Unacceptable” is the right word to use.)
You may in fact lose her. But if you don’t confront the situation, you’re likely to lose other good people who decide that they can find other jobs that don’t involve working with a Mary. People may start doing the minimum to get by just to avoid any interaction with her. Worse, you’ll get ulcers and lose sleep worrying about what to do.
Above all, remember that you’re the boss. Just as important, remember that both your salary and hers is being paid by the residents. Their needs come first, and the way she’s behaving isn’t supporting that.
I hope this helps. Please let me know how things turn out.
About the Author
Dick Grote is a management consultant in Dallas, Texas and the author of several books. His most recent book, How to Be Good at Performance Appraisals, was published by the Harvard Business Review Press in July 2011.
